My mom phrased it well yesterday: I’m 29 years and 51 weeks old. And rapidly approaching 30 on Friday.
I guess I had all these ideas on what it would be like to be 30 and where my life would be at. What I pictured my life at by 30 is rather different and possibly one of the starkest comparisons I’ve had to stomach. What I don’t often talk about on this blog is my personal shit. you know, the stuff that actually makes me human. For the readers that don’t know, I used to have a fairly successful blog called Justagirlwholikeswords. It was, in essence, a personal diary that I spent hours agonising over posts about relationships, my friends’ relationships and the misadventures of dating in my twenties. It was funny and heartbreaking and it also turned on me in some ways. Besides the obvious creepiness of everybody knowing my business and strangers commenting on what I had or hadn’t done right in my personal life, when I settled into a relationship after a few years of being single, my boyfriend didn’t like it either.
It made him uncomfortable to read the blogs I posted and in a way I thought it would be kinder to hide it all away from him. Make him believe I was this perfect person in a sense, with no history or baggage. So I made it private and stopped blogging, and started focusing on writing that was ‘safe’. Whether this compromise of myself is wrong or right, the reality is that it’s what I did and I know now that I shut a piece of myself off to the world.
As I near my 30th birthday, I’m reflecting on the last two years of my life. I quite my job, have travelled extensively and met some incredible people that have enriched my life in so many ways. I’ve also learnt the true definition of loneliness: spending nights in strange hotels alone and eating lunch by myself when all I want is to share the experience with somebody. Even eating meals with people that seem to go on forever and bring no value to my life can be incredibly lonely. Through it all, I’ve also alienated friends and even family to a point by expecting them to stay on top of my life through social media. Sadly, my three-year relationship also bore the brunt of this and inflamed the problems we already had, bringing it to a close at the start of 2015.
So why now, why am I putting all this out there? It’s because nearing 30, I feel more closed off than I ever have before. I’ve been accused of being guarded and too independent and I guess I want the world to see that I’m not trying to be closed off, it’s just sort’ve where I’ve ended up without meaning to.
On turning 30, I had planned to be in Turkey. I wanted to be in a hot air balloon heading over the stone chimneys and mushrooms of Cappadocia. And I had wanted to be there with a boyfriend who is no longer around. So I’m dealing with all of the fallen through plans and heartbreak and a crazy life filled with more projects than I know how to handle right now and it feels like I’m drowning and I’d like a reset to 25, to start it all again and not do things differently, but maybe just do them better.
I’ll be 30 on Friday. And I’ll dress up and I’ll go out, hoping that when I wake up on Saturday, I’ll see the world differently, maybe that’ll be my reset button.
Comments (23)
30 is the beeeeest. xx
Thanks my love x
Agreed with Christine. Things become so much clearer after you’re 30. At least all that agonising over turning 30 is over and done with and you can get on with life. I’m so proud of you my friend for being the strong, independent woman you are. I know it’s lonely in those hotel rooms, I feel it too. But at least we have friends close by. And if you reconsider that trip to Turkey, I’d be happy to be by your side in that hot air balloon. Shine bright my lovely! xx
Thank you Meru, your friendship and support mean the world to me x
I love your honesty, and I’m going to tell you two things:
1) At the precipice of turning 30, I lost my mom. Just a year prior to that, I lost what I thought was “the love of my life” to circumstance and choices, and had had my whole life flipped upside down. By the time I turned 30 though, a rather nice man had scurried up the courage to ask me to date him, so I did. And still am, nearly six years, two homes and a pet dog later.
2) The week before I turned 30, I absolutely shed many tears over losing my 20s. Except, I really shouldn’t have. Turning 30 turned out to be the best thing that could happen to me, mentally, and I’ve never felt stronger than in my year of 30. Sometimes I wish for it, even, as it was then that I lost the requirement for approval that I thought I needed.
Kate, it’s going to be a great adventure, and nothing ever turns out like we planned. At least not the good stuff. But heck, you’re on this great journey and you’re going at it, full tilt. Here’s to 30 and all its wonder!
Oh Cath, you’ve made me cry in front of my computer. I’ve had so many positive responses to this post and everybody seems to be building my positivity for me, and I know I’ll change my perspective soon. How very cliche, right?
They’ll be happy tears, soon enough. That I can promise you. It’s absolutely normal to feel this way, especially when the lead up to turning 30 has been peppered with loss. I get you, completely. I really do, and I want to reach through my screen and squeeze you. I was so utterly petrified of “losing” my 20s, because I had somehow convinced myself that I was on some losing streak. Turns out I was just getting prepped for winning. Almost 5 years later (I’ll be 35 in a few weeks – that went fast!), and I still believe that 30 was the best thing! X
I can totally identify with your reflections of life and where you are as opposed to where you thought you’d be at 30! I’m 30 on the 30th May (May babies are the best) and have been doing a lot of reflection… It’s scary and exciting! Why is a number such a big deal!? But I’ve heard life gets better, clearer and happier after 30! Here’s to our dirty 30s Kate!!
Here’s to us Dee :)
Hey Snoef, It will be ok. Whenever you need a hug or a bum wiggle, I’m right around the corner.
Trust me, 40 will be waaay better :)
The best way to grow is to be out of your comfort zone, and that has allowed for the opportunities and adventure you have had, especially in the last few years. Regardless of the standards or expectations you have of yourself and those you have on being 30, the world has truly been your oyster. I am sorry that you have been lonely and that certain parts have been tough, but nothing truly worth it, is ever easy. As cheesy as it is, when the rite person comes along they will hold on to you and your awesomeness tightly, In closing I guess I’m saying that you are awesome sauce friend, I’ve known you for 25 good years, and I hope to know you for another 30 and more, happy 30th! I have loved having you in my life, even now at a distance.
Thank you Dilly, it means the world to me that you took the time to say this x
Oh my word! Everything I want to say to you is what I should be saying to myself! My 30-turning is happening next Friday (29 May)… So, happy Gemini-month fellow twin and Dee in the comments!
It’s weird, because I’ve always considered you and your career and your life to be super-adventurous, glamorous, exciting and just generally “together” – if you get what I’m saying. You’re so, what’s the word, fucking polished!
And, on being independent, what other choice do we have?? To be dramatic damsels in distress all the time? How is that going to help YOU you. The you that’s with you and you alone on the couch at the end of every exhausting day, the you that lives in your beautiful flat surrounded by things that YOU like, the you that sees the movie YOU want to see with the large popcorn AND the slush puppy AND the Whispers, the YOU that stands up to that bully at work, the YOU that sits alone and proud at that fabulous restaurant in Italy, the YOU that interviews strangers with absolute confidence, etc. etc. You HAVE to be independent. It makes you your own flipping person.
My point is, I cannot believe that someone like you is stressing about turning 30! Wow. All I keep thinking is that you’ll be fine, just fine!
You have everything going for you and, even though I also have that no-boyfriend anxiety from time to time, I dunno, I’m 100% sure you’ll end up in the most divine relationship with the coolest guy and you’ll HAVE adventures together and GO hot air ballooning together. I don’t believe it when people tell me the same thing, but somehow I can say it to you with 100% conviction that it WILL happen.
Your career is fabulous, your social life is fabulous, your convictions are strong, you look great and you’ve survived all the stuff you’ve written about in this piece. Why not restart that personal blog of yours? Now is the time.
And while you’re at it, start an exclusive 30s Only Bucket List for yourself. Then start living it!
You just keep doing you and everything else will fall into place. Happy 30th, happy thoughts, happy life!
*closes eyes, plugs nose and dives into a new decade*
xxx
Lize! I can’t believe your comment, that is just so incredible and you made me feel so very, very touched. It made me laugh and also cry a little and I appreciate that you took the time to write this down and post it for me xx
When I turned 30 I was unemployed and living in my husband’s grandmother’s spare room (happily married, but still – not my ideal life situation aged 30….). I was waiting for things to happen, which eventually they did, but I kept stressing that I hadn’t got it quite right career-wise and I questioned all the decisions that had led me to that point. I didn’t really know what the next year was going to be or how I wanted it to be.
I spent my days making pies for dudes in their 90s, watching quiz shows and playing bridge – I mean it was like I had retired and I was only 29! I did not feel good about my career choices let’s put it that way…..unemployment sucks
But by the time I was 31….well, shit had all gotten itself in order, somehow! And then 30-something just keeps rolling and getting better.
Also, in my 30s I finally figured out how to overcome anxiety (the curse of the late 20s/early 30s) and I mastered excel – everything is now in excel – changed my life ;)
If only I could document my feelings in Excel ;) That’s how I feel though really, like I just haven’t got my shit together and some days I just feel like an absolute mess :(
I’m not 30, so I can’t tell you how awesome it is. But I can tell you that every birthday I’ve had in my twenties has left me thinking “I thought I’d have it all figured out by now”, and I don’t. But, quite honestly, I’m starting to think that not having it figured out is one of the greatest wonders of life. Every year should be filled with trying new things and making new mistakes and learning new lessons!
So here’s to a fab 30, Kate! Maybe we’ll never totally figure it out, but may you always have a brilliant, crazy, fabulous time along the way! Happiest of birthdays!
Thanks so much Tash x
Ahhh I felt the same when I turned 30. I realised sometimes its not about where you should be, what you should doing or with whom, its about taking stock of the present and enjoying all the amazing experiences along the way. Hope you having an awesome one
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